Tiger Woods Has Soul (But Isn’t a Soldier)

Authorities have said they don’t have details on why Woods was driving away from his home at such an early hour.

Maybe they don’t have details because he’s an adult and isn’t under a curfew. Perhaps Tiger wanted to go for a drive and rock out to The Killers. You know that Escalade has got to have a thumping sound system. I’ve got a soul but I’m not soldier. I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier.

Maybe he was fist pumping and head banging so hard to the climactic rock anthem that he lost control of his car and smashed into the fire hydrant.

Or maybe he just wanted grab some Whitecastle.

Or maybe...who cares?